Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dear Mom

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*****
dear mom,

it's may 7, your birthday was 6 days ago and mothers day is this sunday. I miss you more and more each day. over the past few weeks I've becoming increasingly stressed by the burden of your absensce. everything that happens is a reminder of you, some laughs, some tears, some anger. you're in my thoughts every minute of the day. lately ive been feeling like those thoughts are too much of a burden to be productive in everyday life. last week I sat outside my class crying because I read an email you sent me begging me to come home back in september. then the next day my manager sent me out on the property to look for abandoned cars because I looked like a mess because I spent the time before work reading the notes you sent me about how great I can become. I just don't see it. anyways mom, I know what you would tell me, so I'm writing this to you more as a reminder to myself. I'm giving myself thru mothers day to continue crying and feeling sorry for myself. it will have been 4 months on that day. on monday when I get up I'm going to live my life with your strength and happiness everyday, I need to release the stress that we both carried the past 3+ years, and turn that into positive energy. wish me luck.

love,
pat

*****

My Mom, Pamela Marie Jackson, passed away on January 10, 2009. She fought cancer for almost 5 years, it started in her lungs, and eventually went to her brain. We spend her final month together at our house, and even though her brain was very cloudy, we were able to share a lot of things before she passed away. I'm an only child, and my parents divorced when I was 2. More or less, for every year of my life, I spent Sunday - Wednesday with my mom. It was just me and her, and we literally did everything together. In the past couple of years, since college started, all of the stuff going on really got to me, and I would get angry very easily. My mom would always try to get me to calm down, and I would always take my anger out on her. We had our fair share of fights, nothing that most mothers and sons don't do. I don't regret the arguments that we had, because they made us closer. I have a ton of regrets. My mom made every sacrifice that she could to do everything she could for me, and I wanted to do a lot of things for her. People tell me that I still can, but that's not true at all. I like to tell myself that I'm lucky, because I was able to brace myself for this happening for years. Unfortunately, that never holds up, because up until about 2 months before she passed away, I was trying to believe and hope for a recovery and because I've never had anyone close to me pass away. It sucks to lose your mom, but it sucks more when she's your best friend, when you're only 20, when she's only 48, and when you're there every day of the last month of her life take care of her every second of the day. The last month we had together was the best and worst month of my life. We got to hang out, I showed her pictures from facebook of all my college friends, and the stuff I'd been doing out in AZ along with updates on all my friends from Loyola and a whole bunch of other things. The bad part was giving medicine, changing sheets, and keeping the place clean. My family and I decided that having in-home hospice would be the best way for my mom to pass, but the day before she passed everyone thought it was best to take her to a nursing home. She was unresponsive at that point. There is a school (Foshay) down the street from my house, and when they EMT were taking her down in the stretcher, it was around 3:00 and there were schoolkids everywhere staring at her. That was the worst feeling of my life. The next day I went to the nursing home to sit with her, she passed away in the early afternoon. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who called, texted, wrote on my wall, and sent me messages. At the same time, I was kinda pissed off that none of my friends were able to make it to the service. I now realize that I'm the type of person to hold all my emotions in, and because of that I don't think I let anyone know how much I would have wanted them there. That's part of the reason I'm writing all of this. When I spoke at the service a week later, it hadn't even hit me yet. I killed the speech, and I'm so glad I did because my mom would always brag to people about how good my speech at 8th grade graduation was, so I had a rep to hold up. Most of the thoughts that go through my head are about how much I wish I could hear her voice, or even make a joke with her. I'm pretty good with not wondering why this all happened, or going into a "woe is me" attitude. I get moved to tears, or have to fight them back in public every single day because of something random that reminds me of my mom. Any thought about her reminds me how much I love her, how much I miss her, how sad it is for my entire family, and how much I want to succeed so that people don't worry about me. There are all sorts of people (namely Steve-O or Kanye) who have seemed to have lost their minds after their mom died. I have every excuse in the world to start doing coke and E everyday and people wouldn't even question me. I can't do that though, I know she wants me to achieve all the goals that I told her about, and at this point, I am determined to get those things accomplished. This whole situation really sucks, but I'm actually in a whole lot less stress than I was before she passed. Sometimes I feel an unmovable burden of pain, and other times I feel like her spirit is lifting me up and motivating me to do everything I can do. While both of those thoughts are very frequent, I think the motivation is starting to happen more, and without recognizing that pain, I can't become who she wants me to become. I hope this all makes me a stronger person, and I do feel like I can overcome anything.

9 comments:

Stephen said...

Beautiful. You'll become that man, you're already well on your way.

Hamiltone said...

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Egomeli said...

i can't even explain how real this was. we've lost many close to us so it's only right that we live it up for them. more sooner than later, you'll get the accolades she knew you could.

Patrick said...

preciate it

BlaKsmith said...

That was incredibly poignant--you truly brought me to tears. I know everyone says this and that even though we're friends, we're not THAT close; but if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone or need something I'll be there for you.

mo said...

That's one of the most heartfelt pieces I've read in my life. I can't say I've ever felt a pain I could compare to you losing your mother (may she rest in peace.) I'm more than sure you'll find a way to take all the pain you feel and turn it into something positive; motivation, determination that'll help you make you a better you. And she'll see that from way up in the sky, and she'll smile upon you. stay up man.

Patrick said...

thanks fellas. i appreciate it.

I look back and realize i can't believe i've been through all of this and i'm still good. i'll be okay.

i know i'll carry some emotions with me forever, but thats how it should be. if i didn't there would be a problem.

Anonymous said...

moved me to tears, very nice read.. never been on your blog before but will be checking from here out.

thE oLd SouL said...

God Bless Family.